Basic BDSM Dating Etiquette & Social Rules

Throughout the online BDSM community our members are discussing their first encounters, stories about munches and the discreet group meets. As a newcomer to the BDSM & fetish lifestyle, it can all seem slightly intimidating. As a vanilla society, we know how to conduct ourselves, how to address people and what to expect from group situations. However, when you enter the BDSM lifestyle it becomes slightly more complicated. No need to worry, we are here to help. We have pulled together the best tips, rules and guidelines for social BDSM etiquette online and at events. Some of this may seem like common sense, but not everyone knows how to conduct themselves in a new setting where the rules are looser.

Social Etiquette In The Community

The same applies to the BDSM community as your vanilla life, be polite and respectful. Just because you are entering a world of dominance, submission and fetishes, it does not mean you forget everything you know. When you have started a conversation with another kink, it is polite to wait until you are asked about your fetishes and/or kinks before going into detail. Get to know the person first on a human level before you go all-in with the dirty details.

The dynamic between subs and doms can be tricky to navigate. Traditionally when addressing a dominant it is etiquette to use Sir/Ma’am. However, depending on the dynamic of their relationship some dominants might not want to be addressed in this way, unless by their submissive. Others see titles as a sign of respect and maybe offended if titles are not used. It is important to remember every dominant is different but once the ice is broken they will let you know how they like to be addressed. Titles such as Master/Mistress or Daddy/Mummy should be avoided as they are most likely exclusively used by their submissives. Similarly, you cannot expect others to call you by your preferred title, as they may not feel comfortable doing so.

Addressing submissives at events can also be difficult. Some dominants will want you to address all questions to them not the submissives, others are happy to let their submissive socialise. If you are unsure of the dynamic, it is best to ask the dominants permission first. This way avoiding any unwanted aggravation.

Munch Etiquette

Munches are a casual way to meet new BDSM contacts in your local area. These are gatherings in vanilla spaces like bars and restaurants. BDSM munches can be general or organised for specific groups or fetishes. This should be posted on the event listing as there will be specific rules for who can attend. For example, a female dominant munch could be exclusively for femdoms and their submissives. The first rule is no fetish wear or kink gear is permitted, People dress in vanilla clothing. Cameras and photos are generally not permitted. This is to respect people’s privacy and their vanilla lives. Munches are a casual setting to talk and get to know each other therefore titles are generally discouraged unless it is your dominant/submissive you are speaking to.

Dungeon Etiquette

Many dungeons, group events and parties will provide you with a rule set before attending. However, if not we have some basic rules to follow and you should be good to go. Firstly, do not touch anything without asking permission. This includes hugs or touching someone’s shoulder. Secondly, it is etiquette to clean up after yourself and before you use any equipment or furniture. It is better to be safe than sorry. Next, give those performing a scene space. Do not invade their space and never interrupt. Even if you are interested in their scene, wait until a better time and ask. Also, whips and paddles are being used, you don’t want to be hit. Lastly, don’t hog the equipment. Be considerate of others in the dungeon or party, you will not be the only ones wanting to use the equipment.

When attending any events if you are unsure, the best thing to do is ask! Get a full picture of the rules and etiquette before attending is the best way to remain respectful and enjoy the fun!

Online Etiquette

Similar rules apply in the online BDSM community as any other online dating platform. You need to be again respectful and considerate of others. Dominance and submission is a key player in a BDSM lifestyle. If you are new to the BDSM scene you may not know how to properly address a dominant or submissive online. If you are speaking to a dominant online, ensure you capitalise any pronouns eg. He/She, Him/Her. If you are speaking to a submissive then you don’t.

Open community galleries are a safe space to explore and post your erotic images. Here you are free to express yourself and post your images, within reason. However, when chatting one on one with another member be respectful and do not send any unsolicited nudes. Be sure the other person wants to receive these images before sending them.

If you are looking for casual playmates, then these will be easy to find. Most people will tell you in their profile if that’s what they want. However, if you are looking for a serious long term relationship, be patient, particularly if you are a dominant figure. Building trust in any relationship takes time. When in a BDSM relationship you are entering a situation that puts you in a vulnerable position. Take time to get to know the submissive or dominant you are committing to. Ask the questions you want to know about themselves and their previous relationships. Although do it over time, it’s not an interrogation. What experience do they have? What are their most important kinks? Do they have any deal-breakers or characteristics their significant other must-have?

The best advice for your journey through BDSM dating is to use your common sense and be respectful of others. If you think it might not be acceptable then don’t do it and seek advice from hosts or someone more experienced. Our community is a safe space to explore. If you need advice, post on our news feed and our members will give their opinions.

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